Friday, September 26, 2008


aka cameron.
aka the reason i smile a lot more lately.

this boy, has done more for me in the 7 months we have been riding this roller coaster than i ever dreamed possible.
i wish i could tell him everything i want to say.
but words don't do it justice.

but i am gonna try with this blog anyways. :)

smiles flood my face when we are together, and its not something i'm used to.
happiness used to be what i dreamt of...
now i am living it, feeling it. for the first time... in a long time.
and its amazing.
and i wouldn't change it for the world.
if you asked him, he would probably tell you that i give him too much credit.
but if you ask me... i don't give him enough.
sweet thoughts consume my brain now...
a brain that used to think nothing but the worst...
has finally made room for optimism...
and love...

i've never felt so free to be myself...
like i didn't have to hide...
and nothing feels better than being able to be me.
flaws and all
and have them be accepted... and appreciated.
i have given him more than enough reasons to walk away
and he hasn't.
and i am amazed more and more everyday.

i feel like i am a piece of work...
but he doesn't see that in me.

this isn't even coming close to coming out right...

if he asked for the world, i would give it to him.
because he deserves it...
he is hands down, the most amazing...
loveable guy i have ever met.
and i am in awe everyday that he still wants to spend his time with me...

i don't know what i ever did to deserve him...
but i must have done something right.

alanis puts it pretty well here:
"You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can’t relate
And you’re still here "

i love smiling. it feels nice to smile genuinely again.
it had been to long.

and it all has a lot to do with some sugar.

Thursday, September 25, 2008


today police pulled the body of a transgender girl from the american river in sacramento. it is suspected to be a hate crime.

i have no idea who this person is, but i know that i am crying right now. that it hurts me too. It just disgusts me that people can be so hateful. and it scares me because of cameron. i mean, you always think it won't happen where you live... but it totally just did.

words cannot explain how disgusted i am right now. my heart goes out to her family, and to the whole community.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

something's not right...

i have been really good lately about keeping my brain from working overtime, like it usually does... however....


my brain is starting to win...
and it is not very much fun.

part of this is my period.
part of it is that i am crazy.
all of it is unstoppable once it starts.

i have been feeling very woe is me lately. which is beyond lame.
and so unlike me.
i just feel like there are a lot of curveballs coming my way
and i am trying the best i can to dodge them and catch them
instead of them hitting me in the face...
but no matter what, they keep hitting my face
over and over again.

and i am sick of getting hit...
these bruises are taking a long time to heal...


awwwww. look how adorable we are!!!

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

for real??

This is what a vodka cran looks like at the Merchantile in sacramento. Seriously. Last time i checked Vodka Crans were red... not faint pink. lol.

Monday, September 15, 2008


honestly i think that hipsters may be the most annoying group of people out there...
although i throughly enjoy laughing at them, and find them extremely entertaining.
I stumbled upon this "How to" guide for hipsters- even though i believe it is meant to be extremely sarcastic, and as a joke... i think some kids may take it seriously. I find it beyond funny.

How to Be a Hipster

Hipsters are usually people in their teens to mid twenties that live a lifestyle that is against the mainstream culture. Ranging from clothes, to music, to coffee shops, to home decor, to even vocabulary. The tendency is to be steeped in "indie" culture and to dress in a "bohemian" style.

[] Steps
Before you do anything you should note that knowledge of good music is crucial to becoming a true hipster. If you are into any mainstream music at the current time (ex:Nickelback, Good Charlotte, Rihanna, Ashlee Simpson, Lil John, etc) throw them away. Don't even donate them.
Now that you have erased all mainstream music from your life, you can go on to independent music which is what all real hipsters listen to. The artists and groups are endless. Hipster artists of note include Sufjan Stevens, Bright Eyes, Arcade Fire, to British groups such as Arctic Monkeys and Dirty Pretty Things. Websites such as,, and even the music section of myspace can help you with this. Meeting people who are already into these bands will help you as well. Perhaps the most popular hipster website is If they give an album a good rating, it must be quite hip.
Namedrop often. Talk about all the obscure bands you like that nobody you know has heard of. When your friends talk about a band you're unfamiliar with, just say you've heard of them but not actually heard them. It'll give you more cred.
Insult a lot of bands. If you love everything you'll seem like a fanboy. Make sure to give off a vibe that you are too cool and elite for a lot of bands.
Remember to use perhaps the most important hipster line: "I liked them before they were cool."
Fashion is almost as important as your music taste is. Now generally people perceive many hipster to shop in thrift stores in attempt to looking vintage or poor. This is really not the case to being a true hipster. The classic "Skinny Jean" is essential to looking hip. Guy hipsters actually probably wear them more than the girls. Basically, the tighter, the better. Now tops aren't as big of an ordeal as pants are. Ironic tees, plaid shirts, sweatervests, blazers, fit hoodies, are all part of the hipster phenomena. But make sure your pants are tight. They can be any color. Actually, the bolder the better. (ex:purple, pink, yellow, etc).
Food. All you really need to know about this is that eating meat isn't exactly popular with the hipster culture. Fruit, coffee, oriental food, etc are all "hip" foods, if you will. Many hipsters tend to be vegetarian or vegan.
It takes a brave hipster to start dancing. In fact, if you want to spot a hipster, just turn around the next time you are at a show and see them standing in the back discussing Stella or PBR in a can. Sometimes, if the music and setting is right, you will witness Hipsters engaging in dance movements. Hipster dancing, if done right, does not use so much of the hips as it does the upper body and arms. Lots of swinging and swinging head back and forth. Remember to only do this if you are not humiliated easy. Although you will rarely see hipsters dancing at shows, they tend to enjoy separate dance parties where they can dance to an array of more upbeat hipster dance music.
Mustaches. Guy hipsters are sporting these as of late! The bigger the better and if you can curl the ends into the handlebar mustache you are even better...a true hipster doesn't expose their upper lip.

[] Tips
Don't watch MTV. M = mainstream.
Converse are universal. They look great and you can wear them pretty much anywhere.
Rather than going to Starbucks for coffee, go to a local shop.
Go to shows. The more...the better.
Do your own hair.
Don't drive an expensive car. Don't even own a car at all. It is a waste of gas and money.

[] Warnings
The goal of being a hipster is to look like you're not trying, however, if you are one, you are probably trying really hard.
People may not believe you when you say you liked a musician before he/she was popular. Ex. I have told my friends time and time again I knew Gym Class Heroes before MTV, and they believe it's too "rappy" for my taste.

Friday, September 12, 2008

so yesterday

beyond done
beyond fed up

everything can be ok...
but people are choosing not to make it so...
and its all being blamed on me

it all had been ok...
but now it blew up, outta nowhere
and guess who gets the mess all over them?

the same one who always does
and the same one who will be cleaning it all up
i'm not trying to play super victim or anything

but enough is enough
family isn't supposed to be like this
and everyone needs to take credit for their role
instead of pushing it all onto me

fuck it.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Short shorts get woman put in jail!

seriously- this is one of the funniest things i think i have heard/seen in awhile. aside from the sweet LHC rap video- which will come soon! this woman- who was appearing in court for numerous charges, had been warned 2 other times by the judge about her clothing choices, and finally the third time- the judge had had enough- and put her in jail for 3 days for her short shorts being in court! lol. hella funny!

Thursday, September 4, 2008

holding hands


feelings had been mixed again

questions running through my mind...

wondering what the hell i am doing...

funny how you can be so confused, pissed, upset

and then one little thing changes it all

some redemption.

then you're pissed because you have no reason to be pissed anymore. :)

i don't believe i ask much. and i don't think i get pissed that easily.

yeah, things effect me, and i show them on my face.
(what girl doesn't?)

i am aware how he feels, aware how this is hard for him.
(its hard for me too, in a different way)

but i can't help wanting to feel it....
wanting to hold hands in public....
and give sweet kisses randomly while walking through the mall.
arms around my waist, holding me close where everyone can see....
(all girls want this... right?)

and its not a lack of understanding that makes me feel how i feel

its just the wishful thinking, the hoping.
the wanting what i put in.
and i am in no way, shape or form upset with him.

it doesn't make me mad... it makes me sad.
but i know he knows that. and he said he would work on it.
(that makes me smile)

girls just want to feel important.
like their guy wants everyone to know-
HEY! This is my girl!

and most days i feel important..

this sounds all sad, considering i am not upset. Just thinking about why girls feel these things...
in the intense ways we feel them.
when i feel something like this...
it takes me over, almost immediately.

before you know it, I'm crying.
(not those sobbing tears, those super fast flowing tears)

and i sit with tears literally running down my face
not knowing why i am crying.

why are girls made this way?
i wasn't even upset, but it was like a knee jerk reaction.
(so weird)