thoughts and ramblings...

thinking lots as usual. always thinking, never turning it off.
but thinking about good things.
and good times.. happy thoughts..
and sugar.
lots of thoughts about sugar.

its crazy the things i feel.
things i never thought i'd feel again...
but am so overjoyed to be feeling..

sugar is nothing short of beautiful.
pure beauty in its simpliest, most radiant form.
the kind of beauty that almost hurts to look at....
and be around too much,
but its too amazing to walk away.
that beauty that draws you in
and completely capitivates you...
leaving you constantly longing for more...
wanting to know everything about it
beauty that unexplainable to those who haven't experienced it...
and when you do try and explain it (we always do)
they just look at you like you are crazy (maybe you are)
the beauty that grows more and more each day...
no matter how much time you spend, or how many hours pass
you never grow tired of it...
because everyday even though it doesn't seem possible
you are surprised by it all over again...

this is my sugar...
the most beautiful thing i have ever seen
and have had the priviledge of spending my time with...

this blog is probably cheesy to the tenth degree...
but i don't care...

he is simply beautiful, and i wish he could see it...
could see him, how i see him...
than he would understand everything...
why i feel the way i feel
its 9 months since we began this ride we have been on...
and i still get butterflies when he touches me...
and i still blush when he tells me i am beautiful...
and i still get giddy when we are going out on a date....
and i become that nervous little girl who wants to look perfect for him...
because he deserves it.

sugar.
it all always comes back to sugar.

halloween....

So thankfully, after 2 extremely long weeks, i got to see my girlfriend again...
and it was nothing short of amazing.
she looked beautiful, even more beautiful than i remembered.
Drinks, dancing and kisses were had,
and those made for a beyond amazing night.
In these past two weeks, i have been sad too many days...
it was nice to just let loose
and have a good time with my beautiful girlfriend.
seriously- she looked so amazingly gorgeous!!!

you're right next to me...

...but i need an airplane
i can feel the distance, as you breathe...
...and sometimes, i think you want me to touch you
but how can i, when you build the great wall around you...
...in your eyes, i saw a future together
but you just looked away, in the distance...

when it all starts- you go so out of your way
try so hard to make them know
make them know you like them, that you think they are special
tell them they are beautiful and
every other nice thing you can say...
but eventually it fades...
and becomes routine
and you forget to say those things
and they begin to not feel special...
they beg for those things to be said and shown
but than you don't want to say them...
or show them...
because you are feeling pressured, forced
and eventually that great big flame
is now just a small ember struggling to stay alive

i want the flame back..
it feels like it went out...
i don't want to feel resentment
or anger because you don't say the things i want to hear
or do the things i want you to do
i feel like i put a lot into this
and i just want half (maybe a little more) of what i put in
recipricated.

i want to feel special again-
i want to feel that you want me around...
and not that its just convienant-
i think you know that you are special to me
and that i want you around.

i think its so easy to show me those things
just little tiny things is all it takes...
and i hate feeling that because you don't do them
that it means i'm not worth it.

i want to be worth it.
tell me i'm worth it..
please...

unless i'm not.
don't lie to me.
tell me the truth...
do you want me, this, us
or not?
because if you don't...
than set me free...

i can't walk away- i never could-
because i believe in this.
i believe in us.
and i want you to believe in it too..

i wanna push you around...

...well i will, well i will
i wanna push you down
well i will, well i will
i wanna take you for granted
i wanna take you for granted
yeah, yeah, i will, i will...

heard that song today...
it kinda hit me a bit...
more than it had in the past
and it was extremely unexpected...
and its been sitting in my head ever since
i can't shake it.
weird...

"...i don't know if i've ever been good enough...
i'm a little bit rusty, and i think my head is
caving in..."

i haven't listened to matchbox twenty in quite some time
and not that my love for them has faded at all..
but its just weird to hear a song
you haven't heard for awhile...
and have it hit you in a totally different way
than it always had before...

...i feel like somethings gonna give...
and i'm a little bit angry...

american apparel...

if you know me... you probably know that i have a huge disgust for american apparel.. and its not their clothing i hate- although i don't think its anything special. its their ad's. especially the one with the girl in the grey undies in bed with the guy, at his crotch with her tongue sticking out... i just think there is a tactful way to use sex to sell something- and i don't think they achieve it at all.
in fact- when i look at an american apparel ad- it makes me feel dirty.. like i am watching kiddy porn that was filmed in a old mans basement.
i appreciate that they don't airbrush or photoshop their models...
but they all look so sad, so forced, like if i didn't know better i would assume they all were like kept in this guys house for no other purpose other than sex.
i think its disgusting, and very degrading to women... and men. and i wouldn't care, or even know about these ad's if they didn't constantly pop up on my myspace. god damn. anyways- obviously you can tell that i really hate american apparel.. even though i have many a friends who like it. and its actually not the company- its the advertisement- i love the fact that everything is made in the US and all that jazz... but some classier not so dingy ads would be nice. they don't make me want to buy clothes... they make me want to take a shower, and save the models.

its been too long...

last weekend=amazing. as i already posted. this past weekend... we didn't get to go out. I didn't get to see my girlfriend- and i am pretty sad about it. i miss her. :( kind of a lot. and we won't get to go out this coming weekend either because i have to work, and we are going to a halloween thing that my work is putting on.. and then we have a halloween party to go to at a friends house who doesn't know about candice. maybe we can do a little stay at home session- or maybe we can go out to dinner or something- i miss my girlfriend. :(

tough girl

always.
i'm always trying to be the tough one.
brush it off, pretend to be fine

always taking care of everyone else.
pushing and pushing everything i feel down inside...

and then i have days like today-
where it feels like its boiling over...
tears flow and i don't know why...

i've decided its because i try so hard to...
take care of people....
and make people believe i am strong

but the reality is, that i need someone to take care of me too.

i'm not as strong as i pretend to be.

and deep down inside, i am still just a girl.

i pride myself on not being like every other girl out there...
but the fact is that i still am in a lot of ways.
i still want kisses on my forehead (because they are the sweetest)
and i still want someone to hold my hand,
to cuddle me at night (especially when i'm sad)
and make me feel special.

and its not that i don't ever feel that way... because sometimes i really do.
i guess i just wish i felt it more often.

and especially now, because i am having a hard time...
these things seem even more important...
and maybe its just because i would do them for someone...
and maybe there is the problem...
expecting what i would do. when i know that thats not how everyone is

maybe i do just expect too much.
and maybe it is ok to ask for these things...
even if they are so ten times sweeter when they are given without asking...

who knows.
i feel like a little bit of a mess right now.

:/ bleh.

i'm so lucky

look how beautiful she is. i seriously am the luckiest girl ever...

don't know why...

but i feel sad right now...
confused too.

i guess its just part of this process, or whatever...

can't stop the thoughts from entering my mind
even though i desperately long to turn them off
they keep coming back regardless

i feel inadequate...
like maybe i'm just not good enough
and never will be...

i don't know where these thoughts come from
or why they frequent my brain
but i wish they would leave me alone...
its draining to think this way

i just want to sit and cry
run away maybe
something.

not good enough.
no matter what.

sugar

sugar.
aka cameron.
aka the reason i smile a lot more lately.

this boy, has done more for me in the 7 months we have been riding this roller coaster than i ever dreamed possible.
i wish i could tell him everything i want to say.
but words don't do it justice.

but i am gonna try with this blog anyways. :)

smiles flood my face when we are together, and its not something i'm used to.
happiness used to be what i dreamt of...
now i am living it, feeling it. for the first time... in a long time.
and its amazing.
and i wouldn't change it for the world.
if you asked him, he would probably tell you that i give him too much credit.
but if you ask me... i don't give him enough.
sweet thoughts consume my brain now...
a brain that used to think nothing but the worst...
has finally made room for optimism...
hopefulness...
trust...
faith...
and love...

i've never felt so free to be myself...
like i didn't have to hide...
and nothing feels better than being able to be me.
flaws and all
and have them be accepted... and appreciated.
i have given him more than enough reasons to walk away
and he hasn't.
and i am amazed more and more everyday.

i feel like i am a piece of work...
but he doesn't see that in me.

this isn't even coming close to coming out right...

if he asked for the world, i would give it to him.
because he deserves it...
he is hands down, the most amazing...
sweet...
caring...
geniune...
loveable guy i have ever met.
and i am in awe everyday that he still wants to spend his time with me...

i don't know what i ever did to deserve him...
but i must have done something right.

alanis puts it pretty well here:
"You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can’t relate
And you’re still here "

i love smiling. it feels nice to smile genuinely again.
it had been to long.

and it all has a lot to do with some sugar.