sugar

sugar.
aka cameron.
aka the reason i smile a lot more lately.

this boy, has done more for me in the 7 months we have been riding this roller coaster than i ever dreamed possible.
i wish i could tell him everything i want to say.
but words don't do it justice.

but i am gonna try with this blog anyways. :)

smiles flood my face when we are together, and its not something i'm used to.
happiness used to be what i dreamt of...
now i am living it, feeling it. for the first time... in a long time.
and its amazing.
and i wouldn't change it for the world.
if you asked him, he would probably tell you that i give him too much credit.
but if you ask me... i don't give him enough.
sweet thoughts consume my brain now...
a brain that used to think nothing but the worst...
has finally made room for optimism...
hopefulness...
trust...
faith...
and love...

i've never felt so free to be myself...
like i didn't have to hide...
and nothing feels better than being able to be me.
flaws and all
and have them be accepted... and appreciated.
i have given him more than enough reasons to walk away
and he hasn't.
and i am amazed more and more everyday.

i feel like i am a piece of work...
but he doesn't see that in me.

this isn't even coming close to coming out right...

if he asked for the world, i would give it to him.
because he deserves it...
he is hands down, the most amazing...
sweet...
caring...
geniune...
loveable guy i have ever met.
and i am in awe everyday that he still wants to spend his time with me...

i don't know what i ever did to deserve him...
but i must have done something right.

alanis puts it pretty well here:
"You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can’t relate
And you’re still here "

i love smiling. it feels nice to smile genuinely again.
it had been to long.

and it all has a lot to do with some sugar.